February 21, 2012

It may only be tuesday but this is seriously the best week I’ve had. I didn’t have to work yesterday so aside from my morning classes it was almost an extended weekend. I did a lot of homework and laundry and little things around the house, it gave me some much needed catch up time and another stress free day to enjoy some extra time with him. I don’t know what’s gotten into us the last few days but I’m not complaining… things have been good. Better than good really, they’ve been the best its been for months. He just feels closer somehow. We’ve spent so much time cuddling and talking and having Lots of sex :D Its been truly wonderful and if there was any way I could drag this out to last forever I’d be the happiest girl alive. Its brought a rush of feelings for me though and I’m being so careful to hold it all together because I cannot and will not do anything that could touch the perfectness of this last week. 

I was sitting next to him on the couch watching tv the other night and he was refilling his tumblr queue, I kept glancing over at the pictures, half paying attention to him and half watching the show. He’d stop every so often and show me a particularly cute or hot picture and then go back to queueing pictures and watching tv. I can’t remember what we were watching but it wasn’t particularly intense because I kept getting distracted by his pictures. I had been staring at the tv for a few minutes and then I looked over at him again, he had moved on from pictures to queue his question and quote of the day and I started to look back at the tv but the question on his screen caught my eye so I looked back again. It was about him being intimate with his ex, it wasn’t the first ask I’ve seen that someone sent him but it caught me a little by surprise. Both his answer and that he was posting it to his main blog. I didn’t say anything and we went right back to watching tv, to be entirely honest I don’t think he even noticed that I noticed. I think if anything my feelings were more confused than anything else but I shrugged it off because its just a question and anyone with a tumblr knows of the many curious anonymous souls out there.

So the very next night I was cleaning up the kitchen and getting things finished up so we could get to bed and I got done and walked over to where he was sitting at his desk. I have this habit of sitting down on the floor next to his chair when I’m entirely ready for bed and doing any number of things (stripping, teasing, whining, falling asleep in his lap :P) to convince him to come to bed with me as this man is impossible to tear away from the computer. Stupid computer science majors >.< Lol his work is never done and I’m always so tired, not that we ever go to bed at decent time. But anyway, he told me to wait just a second cuz he was almost ready so I sat down as usual next to his chair. He was queueing again, the question and quote of the day and he scanned through the questions for a minute and then selected the same question about his ex from the previous day. It only took a fraction of a second and about as long for the quote and we were off to bed to cuddle and get as much sleep as can be expected of college students who go to bed at two in the morning on a consistent basis -__- I know that he didn’t realize he’d already posted that question and I still didn’t say anything because if I did I wouldn’t know what to say.

I don’t know why that question was important enough that it caught his eye two nights in a row, I don’t know why it was the question he chose to emphasize by putting on his blog, most of all I don’t know why it hurt to read his answer. I guess it never crossed my mind before that he might wish he had been more intimate with his ex. I mean, I know he did when he was with her… anyone would have wished for that, I just hadn’t thought that he might feel that way now. We were each other’s “firsts” in so many different things, me because I was determined I wanted something more than just any guy who came along and him because of being in a long distance relationship but I had always thought that in the end he loved that we shared those things as much as I did. I knew how much he wanted that with her when they were together (consequences of being best friends throughout their entire relationship O.o) but I didn’t think that he might still wish that now that he’s with me. In some ways I understand and in others I don’t. We’re so much a like, he and I. Both of us are nostalgic, we dwell in the past whether we mean to or not. Not constantly of course but the memories.. our past… its something we still talk about. I know every couple talks about how they fell in love and got together but our story is so entangled in the good and the bad that with it comes both. I’ve never experienced feelings so intense as during that time in my life and there’s still a rush in letting myself feel them again. I understand him because I’m the same way, I go over the memories in my head… I think about the past way too much.. but with me, I direct that towards our history together instead of my past with other guys, and with him she is so tangled up in our history that I don’t know if he knows how or even wants to separate the two. It doesn’t help that he’s the kind of person who looks back on things and without even realizing they always become a little bigger and a little better. He had this friend once, someone he knew growing up and they were great friends but if you heard him tell stories about it you’d think they were inseparable and knew each other’s deepest, darkest secrets. Its the same way with her and it drives me crazy whenever he brings it up but 9 out of 10 I’ll keep my mouth shut because in reality its not a big deal. Sometimes it hurts but most of the time its unimportant details. They dated for almost exactly a year and a half and he will always say that they were together for two and a half. I tell myself its little things and I take a breath and let it go. Its just that lately she’s coming up all the time, I don’t know what’s triggering it… if its us talking about too many old memories, or anons blowing up his ask, I don’t know if its just that she’s here and there’s the ever present possibility of running into her, I have no freaking idea what it is and I’m trying so hard but its starting to get to me.

I guess seeing that question was just a little more than I could take. There is no easy answer to this, I know that. Its easy to let someone go when you’re angry or when they just drift away from you over time but when you make a choice that literally, physically rips someone out of your life it doesn’t take away how much you care about them or love them or miss them. I know he loved her and I know she’ll always have a place in his heart, I understand that. There are people in my past who will always have a piece of me, buts its a piece that I’ve buried so deep in my heart that it can’t ever surface. I’ve loved before, I’ve even fallen in love before but I’ve never loved someone the way I love him. There’s a difference in loving someone and finding the love of your life… a real, true love. He used to tell me that. He used to tell me that’s why we were different. And now he makes comments about how fortunate he is to have experienced that kind of love twice when someone people spend their whole lives looking for it. I know it sounds completely ridiculous but sometimes it feels as if their love became more “real” after they broke up. He wrote something in a letter to me back in 2009 right in the middle of all the chaos when nothing was certain and I thought I’d lost him forever. 

I’ll never forget this, never regret this, and never let go of the love I now catagorize as the only real love I’ve ever experienced.

I hold onto that… more than he will ever know.. because somehow, deep inside, I have to believe that he still means that. That in spite of the memories that crowd in or the feelings that are still there, there is one thing that has never changed. He didn’t choose me just because I was his best friend, or because he cared too much to let me walk out of his life but because the love we’d stumbled into truly was the kind of love some people wait a lifetime for. Things are so good with us right now, better than they’ve been probably the whole time we’ve been married. I have felt so close to him in the last few days that I can’t even describe it, I know I have his heart…. I don’t doubt that for a second. But I know that he misses her, maybe more right now than before and I don’t know why or how I’m supposed to deal with that. Its ironic that these feelings would surface so strongly for me right at the time when we’re the closest but in a way it also makes sense. I’ve felt disengaged in a way and now that I’m reconnecting with him on such an intimate level its all rushing in… the feelings, the intensity, the need to be so close to him that there is absolutely nothing between us. I’ve become more independent over the past few months, I’ve learned to deal with my own feelings and I’ve become less attached but he holds the key to my heart and it only takes something as simple as a look or a word and I’m right back where I used to be.

I bleed my heart out on this paper for you… so you can see what I can’t say~

And its all here in black and white and red, for all those times those words were never said

I love you.